|
|
|
Nobody wants to hear the story of Saint Valentine Simply put, any story that ends with a beheading is not going to get you laid. If you must tell a topical story, try something from Penthouse Letters, instead. Much hotter, and the tales there almost never end in decapitations. Let your partner tell you when its time to see your underwear Guys, I know she tells you she likes surprises. I know she wants you to be spontaneous. But greeting her at the door -- or, god forbid, at her office -- wearing nothing but a trenchcoat and a pair of edible undies is not helping anyone. Besides the fact that you look ridiculous, mid-February is still quite cold in many parts of the world. For your own sake, think of the shrinkage. Ladies... ignore this point altogether. We always want to see your underwear. Or, preferably, your lack thereof. You little vixens, you. Dont eat the candy hearts First of all, they taste like styrofoam ass. Chalky styrofoam ass. Who wants to eat chalky styrofoam ass? Nobody, thats who. Also, remember that a candy approximately as dry as the Sahara will rob you of all the saliva youve managed to produce that week. And your kissy-faced schnookums isnt going to appreciate sucking on your parched, wrinkly tongue. Its not Saint French-The-Elderly Day, after all. I think that ones in September. Finally, realize that the average number of candy hearts a person can eat without ralphing them back up is somewhere in the neighborhood of two. And while the irony of seeing a regurgitated I M N2 U! in the toilet bowl is delicious, it is by no means romantic. Leave the poetry to the professional poets I tell you this from personal experience. A few years ago, I decided that the best way to express my love was to write my wife a poem, raw and sexy and straight from the heart. Here are the words that ended the odd-numbered lines of said poem: rubies ballantine corndog schmenitalia (the point where I realized I was in over my head) blooper labradoodle (dont ask) Georgie angina She made me sleep on the couch for a week. Dont go there. Just dont. Dont give your sweetie an uber-religious greeting card Yes, shell be happy you remembered. Yes, its the thought that counts. And yes, the picture on the front with a single ray of light shining through the stormclouds is certainly inspirational. But nothing screams why dont we just cuddle tonight? quite like a card containing the line: Blessed be our marital bed, shared in love with the bosom of Jesus. Im all for a Valentines threesome -- particularly one involving bosoms -- but thats just a little too kinky. Steer clear. If you dont buy your lover chocolate, dont explain why Its perfectly acceptable to say: I bought you these [flowers / massage oils / sexy underpants / strippers] because youre beautiful and I love you. Its not acceptable to say: I didnt get you any chocolate, because I know youre dieting and I support your goal of being thinner. And its definitely not a good idea to say: Besides, you want a gift thatll last for more than three minutes, and you wont cry about later, right? Again, personal experience. And another week sleeping on the couch. Learn from my mistakes, budding Romeos and Juliets. Follow these tips, and you should be randily romancing your lover in no time. Ignore my advice, and... well, theres always next year. |
加入最爱