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Well for the first time, I have conducted my own highly technical and scientific research (I spoke to a couple of my mates down at the pub) to compile the definitive F1 Fan study. This should be essential reading for all the marketing directors out there. THE SCHUSCIPLE Distinguishing Features: Exclusively wear scarlet red Know that F1 started in 1991 Have had chin augmentation surgery Located Everywhere - theyre like damn cockroaches they just keep multiplying. Favoured Products Anything endorsed by St Michael of Maranello Favourite Saying I hope it rains, that will the Rainmaster at his best Schumacher is the greatest of all time because.. Schumacher is so great he could win in any car (this saying has recently been heard less often) Marketing Tip If you want to sell something to the Schusciple, either paint it scarlet red, or feature a picture of the man himself no other work is needed. Be prepared to spend $8 billion (Schumachers current rate for an endorsement) OLD SCHOOL Distinguishing Features: Believe Formula 1s glory days were circa 1520 Juan Johnny Come Lately Fangio marks the decline of Formula 1 Vehemently opposed to such ridiculous introductions as seat belts, brakes, helmets and engines. Located Zimmer frame or public library Favoured Products Gramophone Wireless (no not the internet connection radio) Favourite Saying I remember when This will be the end of Formula 1 Marketing Tips Unless your client owns a funeral home or manufactures hemorrhoid cream, dont bother. GREASE MONKEYS Distinguishing Features: Lack of personal hygiene Pungent Odour (see above) Inability to communicate to the opposite sex Drive $2000 vehicles with $150 000 modifications Wardrobe consists of a variety of overalls (usually team colours) Located: Head firmly buried in an engine or performance magazine Favoured Products Anything that makes a vehicle louder (performance enhancement optional) Favourite Saying No-one has actually heard them speak, other than some grunting noises Marketers Tips Make sure all advertising has a big picture of an engine Use little of no text (due to illiteracy) TECHNIUMS Distinguishing Feature: Acne Thick Rimmed Glasses Bad Posture Pocket protector Usually single Located In front of a computer Favoured Products Any hi tech material known by an unpronounceable word Favourite Saying McLarens new engine material jargonium - is so advanced its not even on the periodic table ha ha Pinnacle of Motorsport Marketers Tips Any product or service should have the suffix of ium Ensure that advertising is placed is Modern Metallurgy and is written entirely in nonsensium F1 DISCO BUNNIES Distinguishing Features Easily distracted by bright shiny objects Will do anything to be associated with an F1 insider (even 5th reserve driver will do) Dont enjoy loud noises Think the pit markings are a really big line of their favourite chemical Located Team hotels/motorhomes, usually in a perpetual horizontal position Favoured Products Anything shiny Favourite Saying If you can get me to meet Fernando Ill make it worth your while Marketers Tips Any breast enhancement product CONSPIRACY THEORISTS Distinguishing Features Believe in the FIA = Ferrari formula Believe Max Mosley is trying to ruin the sport Located In F1 forums posting latest wild plan of Mosley to destroy F1 Favoured Products Mifepristone Favourite Sayings OK, so the 2006 Formula 1 season is exciting, thats got nothing to do with Maxs changes No longer the pinnacle of motor sport Marketing Tips Other than a Max Is Satan t-shirt not much you can sell this lot WANNABES Distinguishing Features Their cars have 5 point safety harness Wear a HANS device when doing the shopping or having a shower Disproportionately developed neck muscles Located In front of the X-Box honing their skills for the pending call up to the show Nearest kart track honing their skills for the pending call up to the show Favoured Products Any Formula 1 branded product Favourite Saying F1 is the pinnacle of motorsport Kimi has great racecraft I could do better than Ide Marketing Tips Stick an official Formula Logo on any piece of crud and they will lap it up GRID GIRL CONNOSEUR Distinguishing Features Calluses on the inside of their hands Blurred vision Located In front of a computer screen downloading adult entertainment Nearest girly bar Favoured Products KY Gel Favourite Saying Corrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Marketing Tips Stick a picture of a gorgeous babe on any piece of crud and theyll buy it. Also largest consumer segment of enlargement techniques. |
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