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And then, one day, a friend gave me a copy of The Artists Way: A spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. The author, Julia Cameron, suggests writing morning pages to allow us to get out of our own way and tap into our creativity. Since I was tired and bored of my own stories, I decided to give it a try. I had nothing to lose. Surprisingly, the format of my journal entries didnt change much. I still recorded every little miserable detail of my life. But, now my Intention had changed. After a few days of this, I began feeling lighter, less afraid. After another week, I discovered a very old, buried belief I had: If I forget anything, someone will die. Uncovering this belief was quite a shock! Im not sure where it came from, but I knew/felt it was an explanation I had developed as a very young child to protect myself. I looked at the dozens of journals I had written over the last few decades. Every single one of them was born from a childs need to feel protected. I began writing each day to this inner child. Telling her I was now an adult and I had discovered easier ways of protection. I thanked her profusely for loving me so strongly that she would use all of her energies to remember everything in an attempt to protect me from others. I told her that was a lot of responsibility for such a little girl and, if she was ready, I was willing to take over now. I felt her relief in my body. She was more than willing to give up this job and become a little girl again. We continued conversing on the pages of my journals and after a few more days, when she could see that her belief was no longer necessary, we created a solemn ceremony and burned all the old journals. Once I took over the role of protector, this small inner child surprised me once again. Relieved of her responsibilities, she showed me another aspect of her amazing power: she was the source of my creativity! She was wild and joyous and a wannabe writer with a wicked sense of humor. She couldnt wait for us to begin writing every day, delighted when her words appeared on the page. Shed giggle when Id look at what wed written and was surprised at seeing paragraphs and sentences that I had no memory of writing. After forty years of recording my misery, it took only a week for the healing to begin once I changed my intention. Now, I was partnering with my fear and need for protection in a new way. This new partnership led me back to this young part of myself who held the power of my creativity. Now, 10 years later, shes always present when Im writing and wants you to know that writing this story was her idea. Copyright (c) 2005 Carolyn Wilson-Elliott |
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