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Hippos are BAD because all they seem to do is lie their fat asses in the water all day, chomping up plants and making methane bubbles. Theres no way an animal with an ass that fat should have access to that much roughage. This is precisely why they wont serve Tom Arnold cabbage any more. Hippos are GOOD because they secrete a natural sunscreen, often called blood sweat for its reddish-brown color. So this summer, if you simply rub your naked self all over the nearest hippos blood-sweaty body, you wont get burned. Makes Coppertone look like a big puddle of rhino piss, dunnit? Hippos are BAD because they caused me quite a lot of confusion when I first heard the word hypocricy. I thought it was hippocracy, which would of course be a society ruled by a benevolent order of civic-minded hippopotami. And thats not the same as hypocricy, at all. Its more like Jenny Craig. Hippos are GOOD because the Hungry Hungry Hippos game is based on them. When simply watching you eat is enough to keep small children entertained for hours, you must be doing something right. Just ask John Goodman. Hippos are BAD because no one would ever compare themselves to a hippo in a good way. You can be healthy as a horse, crafty like a fox, and have cat-like reflexes, but personal hippo analogies will never be positive. The possible exception may be hung like a hippo, but frankly, I dont have the inclination to follow up on that. If you want to hang around African oases with a scuba mask and a yardstick, thats your own business. Hippos are GOOD because groups of hippos are called pods. Thats the same thing they call groups of whales, and its nice to have a single term for groups of all of the large, hairy, overfed mammals. And its a lot shorter than the existing term, Nebraskans. Hippos are BAD because they can stay submerged for up to a half an hour without surfacing. If theres a hippo hiding out in my bathtub, dammit, I want to know before I step in. So I always let the water sit for at least forty minutes before taking a bath, just to be safe. Highly inconvenient, to say the least. Hippos are GOOD because they look funny in tutus. Wed all look a little funny in tutus, but its like hippos were made for those things. And Im sure theyre very upset about that. So hippos are GOOD. And UV-protecting pods of hungry hungry tutu-clad hippopotamuses are even BETTER. |
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